Playwright!

Dude! I am like so dead! I’ll be like Dead Ed! Hey! That rhymes! Ok, so like anyways, I was like in California catching some like totally gnarly waves, and my bro, Joe- hey that rhymes too! Righteous. So like Joe comes over and is like, “Dude!” And I’m like, “Dude!” And he’s like, “Dude! I’m joining the army!” And I was like, “Dude! I’ll join with you!” And then he was like, “Dude! It will be like so totally righteous!”

So we like totally joined the army, and it was like so totally not righteous, but we couldn’t ‘cause like the law and stuff. So I was like posted and this place called like Area 52 or some other totally bogus number like that. It might have been 51 or 41 or whatever. They should’ve called it like Area 10, ‘cause I’m like there, and I like totally hang ten! But it’s like totally bogus there, man!

So anyways, I was like patrolling the hallways and stuff, and then there was like this door that said, “Biohazardous” [pronounce Bee-oh hazardous]. And I was like [sniff armpit], “Dude! I like totally need some like hazard for my B.O.!” So I go in, and there are like no antiperspirants. But there’s like all this totally nasty junk in all these like plastic-y cases. And I’m like, “Dude! That is like so totally nasty! I wanna poke it!” So, I did.

And it was like 12:00 PM, or was it AM? Either way, I wasn’t gonna to be able to like eat and stuff for like another half hour, and there was like this thing! And it looked like a hotdog! And I was like hungry! And it looked like a hotdog! So, I like ate it. And it was like not a hotdog.

So I was like walking and stuff and everything was like ok. And then everything was like not ok. My head was like so totally pounding and my stomach was killing me and I felt like I was totally gonna hurl. So I like ran to the bathroom because I was like totally gonna hurl. And I was like, “Dude, that was like not a hotdog.” And then it was like my head was on fire, dude!

So these tentacle-ish things like burst through my head and totally ruined my last army hat! And I’ve like already screwed-up two and Sarge is like so totally gonna kill me! And- [suddenly calm] well that can’t be good.

[alien voice] Ha! I am [cluck, raspberry, burp, honk] of the Xeron galaxy, and this idiotic human has freed me from my plastic prison! I have taken over his body and soon the mother ship will come and my superior species will take over this pathetic world! [evil laughter]